sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
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you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome