strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
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Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
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Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet