So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
