she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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