When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
ttyl tear gas
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
