I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
