Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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