At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
