I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
