Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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