Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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