Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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