Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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