life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
