Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
