So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
