this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.