I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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