New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
