rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm getting married
To pizza
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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