It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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