A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
