TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
