She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
