Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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