they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We're too hungover to prance.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
