looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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