I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
