WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Girls should come with a carfax report
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Randomize
