You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
