You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
