I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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