cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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