I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
