Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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