my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
