I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
