A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
