Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
