It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
