I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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