Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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