i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
A+ Viking dick
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
