So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
