i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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