Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
