hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
