yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
