Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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