I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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