my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
