Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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