I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
