you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
