I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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