It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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